I just high-fived this girl after she swallowed.
so I was like, you know platform 9 3/4? I know something else with those measurements. best. pick up line. ever.
If its called oral, why is it so hard to talk?
She challenged me to a game of rock-paper-scissors for her virginity. I love this girl.
I'm already at the bar. It's 2 PM. Help
Apparently one comment in my womens studies class cockblocks yourself for an entire semester.
Step 1: drink. 2: drink more. 3: go for it. 4a: success. 4b: drink more. 5. drink. 6. go for other girls. 7. drink more. Sound good?
Theres a handprint of sauce on my frig, one streaked across my face, a trail of it to my bedroom and sauce all in my bed and i have no idea what the fuck i ate.
he ran through my sliding door
in his defense that door gets complicated after 10 beers
So like 5 seconds in I realize I knew him in 3rd grade and I went limp in his mouth. It felt like I just murdered the last unicorn ever. Going straight never felt like an option till now.
Not only have I fallen off the wagon, it ran me over and just kept going...
She was purple for Halloween. She literally spray-painted herself purple and called it a costume. It won't come off.
Breakfast of champions
Is that a dick crepe?
It is indeed
Brah, we should get a "do not disturb sign"... I can't have people knocking on the door while I'm high, it fucks with me way too much.
And, omg, my eyelids are on fire. I think the internet let me down. :(
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