My cousin just told me i smelled good. She must like the smell of cum.
whore
This girl is drinking wine and watching grey's anatomy in the library during finals week. I hate comm majors.
i just ran into my boss at the liquor store. we didnt exchange words, just nodded in mutual understanding.
You know summer is almost over when ur school booty calls start hitting u up as if solidifying their spot in drunken mistakes for next semester
He drew a bath for me. It was only cute until he started throwing in celery and calling me soup.
And I swear to god I'll divorce you if you so much as say a single sentence in Yoda talk in our bedroom. I may be a nerd but that's just fucking creepy
My cab driver just suggested I brush my teeth because he can smell "the party" on me.
I'm going as either a recovering alcoholic, or as a guy who came to the party straight from work. Too literal?
If he thinks that that is an acceptable way to ask me out he is out his goddamn ginger mindddddd.
I like to play this game where I try to reach orgasm before my bathtub overflows....lost tonight.
Somehow I ended up in a different costume dancing with some tree of a guy in the basement bathroom, what did you give me?
At the ER. John needs stiches. Fuck pub trivia nights.
Like Is it appropriate to tell your boss you banged a guy in the back of a truck at a wedding? Probably not.
OH MY GOD MY UBER DRIVER IS PEEING BEHIND A DUMPSTER
Still got in the car though
I’m going down on him like an Oompah Loompah on roller skates.
That makes no sense, but good luck
Randomize