can you have the cops turn on the gps locator on my phone...i just woke up in a Hooters uniform and I have no idea where I am...
took out my tampon, fucked him, and put a new one back in all before he realized I was on my period. beat that one bitch.
The drugs are starting to wear off. Suddenly aware there's a girl with bald patches and 2 guys that don't have a full set of teeth between them.
Things are burning & the world smells of peanut butter. It's beautiful.
We hotboxed his closet and accidentally lit some of his shirts on fire... do we have a fire extinguisher?
Please tell me you werent the one who replaced every beer bottle in my fridge with a picture of a baby kitten.
... and if i was..
Fuck. You.
After a little too much, I decided public urination was a constitutional right.. Nearly got deported for that one
This guy dressed as a piece of paper for Halloween, I felt it was only necessary to sign his penis
Not as awesome as someone telling you that you have the biggest tits they've ever seen. And they're like 30-something, so they've seen a decent amount of tits in their lifetime.
Things that don't wash off in the shower: black eyes and hickies.
How many times is too many times to use the word 'fuck' in my thesis?
Checking out a dudes' nachos instead of the dude #foreveralone
After we finished having phone sex he proceeded to serenade me with Ave Maria. It was magical.
This sucks! All of the twenty something dick I was getting went home when the university closed
How many weight watcher activity points do you think sex is worth?
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