chick im bringing home just asked our cab driver if she could do a line off his turban. i think im in love - or trouble.
So there is this guy preaching the word of God outside our club. I went up to him and said, "God made this body, and he made it for premarital sex." Sup, Hell?
I tried to explain to him that we just wanted a stereotypical black friend to be in our group. He didn't take it too well... Never take me to the bar again.
It just hit me that I woke up to you in a bear suit. Explain.
drunk enough to think that masterbating in the pool is an awesome idea
We got a 5L jug of wine for 3 Euro. Italy was a good choice.
you duct taped a twenty to your thigh just in case and passed out.
He is just lying there. People are throwing money onto his chest as they walk by...
She has a tattoo on her inner thigh that's an x with a long dotted line. So after she passed out I signed it. Dunno what else I was supposed to do...
I found a body half wedged into my bedroom wall this morning. How do I explain THIS to the carpenters?
I feel like every time I get the courage to masturbate to a guy from Game of Thrones, they kill him off.
I didn't want to but I was drunk in a Disney bathroom with her and had a weak moment.
How do you clean human pee out of a carpet
Inconspicuously
We were making out on the floor and his 13 year old beagle crawled in between us & just sat there...I got cockblocked by an ancient beagle named Bubba
Dude I left his house at 5:30 a.m. after you peed on his front door and then tried to fight me for my blanket. Don't even do that at my house or I will end you.
hahahahaha. Worst. Text. Ever.
Randomize
