why wash my dick in the morning if you're not there to suck it?
Is it too weird if im a sexy tampon for halloween?
Didn't get to fuck her. Had to leave abruptly through window. Explain later.
My Pizza Lunchables won't fit in the fridge because of all your alcohol. One of our addictions has to give.
I vaguely remember trying to exfoliate my face with your leg hair. Sorry about that.
So would it be tacky to offer my services as a future attorney as an engagement gift for her?
My mom is lecturing me about 'invaluable housekeeping skills' while I google 'cocktails involving gin' on my phone. I can feel the generational gap looming in her silent judgment of my choices.
I'm drinking wine from the cap of my laundry detergent container, wearing my bed sheet as a cape. How do you think I'm taking it?
Going to the ER, I'll explain later but apparently drunk me isn't allergic to peanut butter.
I don't want to jinx anything but I may have found the one.
Cat or human?
Human
we need to make pact to not cut each other's hair on coke and whiskey nights.
While I agree, I dont think thats realistically possible
Like I could never be a lawyer because I would just look like a porn star impersonation of a lawyer.
Im sorry you'll never get the feeling of closeness when you go to pee outside and you realize you're peeing right where someone else just peed
Well, I'll handle this like I always do. Black the fuck out, make out with randoms, give out my number like candy. You know. Standard operating procedure
All I remember thinking is, why the fuck are there martians on the ceiling? And they were riding fruit. Like strawberries and shit.
Randomize
