Just ran to the store on my way to the office to buy Diet Coke...the guy in front of me let me cut because it was 4 more minutes until 8am, so he wouldn't be able to purchase his vodka. I love Wisconsin
just had sex with a midget and didnt wrap it... were totally gonna have a tv show :)
I had to hold off a girl who was trying to check your pulse while you were passed out. She kept screaming that she was a nursing major and needed to make sure you were alive.
the best sex is "duke just lost" sex.
Can we put your name for the shipping address for penis ice luge?
He blacked out at the first bar and passed out at the second...we just carried him to bar three and four and sat him in the lounge chairs, he said we're amazing
My dad handed me a drink and said, "This'll knock your dick in the dirt..."
his basement wasnt heated so when i asked for a hoodie someone gave me a kimono.. i passed bc who the fuck knows where that shit has been recently
This is gonna be a long day for my vagina and I
I just smoked a joint and ate a sandwich while watching someone get arrested. Bonnaroo is a silly place.
Worst. Date. Ever. He peeled a layer of bread off his mini burger buns because they had "too many carbs".
They pay me enough to pretend to be either helpful, or heterosexual. If they want both I need one hell of a raise.
My mom found my empty case that I hid in my room and just said "now why don't you be a responsible underaged drinker and throw it in the recycling" and walked away. I'm in shock.
you're telling me you don't want to have sex 30,000 feet above the earth?
On a scale of having tea with Ghandi to the apocalypse how bad of an idea is it to drink with a 100 degree fever?
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