i am so fucked up that i think i'm playing snood in my head.
well..are you winning?
I've had that scene from "Parenthood" where Rick Moranis' character is singing "Close To You" to his wife in classroom, stuck in my head all morning.
I guess my mind is just wondering whatever happened to Rick Mornais.
Yet again my drunken self has managed to find his way into the middle of nowhere with no shoes or recollection of what happened last night.
Then I guess you don't remember me driving you there after you tried making out with my girlfriend, dipshit.
just woke up in my neighbors garage.
scratch that. I'm like 6 miles from my house in a random garage.
do you know what's more awkward than a positive pregnancy in a public bathroom?
not a thing
walking in on a stranger's positive pregnancy test in a public bathroom
The office pool is up to $500 if you take a shit in Frank's desk drawer. Time to change the unpaid internship into a cash cow.
My mom slipped a condom in my pocket along with a sticky note that said "be safe sweetie."
i mean, i offered you kinky, jungle themed sex. i don't know what else you want from me
pretend your vagina is a choco taco and the guy is someone who really loves choco tacos. let him enjoy the choco taco.
The least you could do is send me some gibberish so I know you're alive.
Fuhga
Thank you.
You strapped the bucket of KFC into the carseat and refused to let me drive over 20 miles per hour the whole ride home. That high.
Strange request but for my birthday you should get me one of those vibrators that you can plug into your iPod that go along with the music.
See? I told you no boy in roller skates could be entirely straight.
I think he bit my vagina. Who does that?
WHAT THE FUCK I JUST PULLED TWO TAMPONS OUT OF MY VAGINA. WHERE DID THE OTHER ONE COME FROM??
....surprise!
Randomize
