we were both hunting dick last night. it ended terribly for both of us.
It's 8:30am and I'm drinking.... this is a new low
Apparently when you order 'bottomless fries' at red robin that doesnt mean you can go around to every table and eat all the fries you want off other peoples plates.
do you have any idea why i woke up naked spooning my toaster?
idk what id do withouhrh yoy btro
Btw, whenever you feel discouraged about your life, think about me being frantically upset bc my mobile porn site limited me to only 5 videos a day
He was trying to hotbox the banana suit. Of course we traded him for vodka.
When you're awkward as a teenager, it never goes away. You just mask it. With makeup. And boobs.
she genuinely believed that kangaroos are a cross between a deer and a T-rex
How is it medically possible for my urine to smell like espresso
Not as great as when your drunk mom grabbed my junk, but better than when your sober grandma sacktapped me and grabbed my butt.
Ate 5 hotdogs today. You need to get me back on my tequila diet cause this shit has to stop!
OF COURSE I FUCKED HIM! Did you not read the part about him having red and green Christmas condoms?
Great, now I'm picturing myself as a fucking garden gnome
i just woke up from a 4 hour nap, still drunk, to make mac n cheese.
Randomize
