the clerk said it was the first time she had ever seen someone walk in the next day to return the tux still wearing the tux
The family from the blindsided came and talked to us last night. The dad owns 68 taco bells. You would have been so inspired
he said he has something really important to tell me but isn't ready yet. It's either that he loves me or has herpes
He said he wants to make an itinerary for the sex we'll have when I come home.
Apparently drunk me was getting hit on and i wasn't into it so i shouted "Stupify" at him like i was fucking harry potter then went to the pizza place next to the bar and punted some guys pizza box out of his hands. :(
I feel that the drunker I get, the drunker Facebook gets.
Bitch, it's 2 in the afternoon.
He told me I was 100% better then porn then passed out nto the cake
There's someone howling in the parking lot. Haha.
Literally the only reason we didnt get arrested was because the cop said I reminded him of Steve Stifler from American Pie
I've been smoking weed using candles all week and I just found a lighter. This may truly be the happiest moment of my life. It's embarrassing how excited I got
Do you think accidently including this month's Credit Card statement in my application will keep me from getting into grad school?
Depends ... when did you purchase your vibrator?
the texts you sent will act as the rosetta stone for all drunk people
I was gonna jerk off, but then I thought about that movie last night and it killed that idea. I have serious boner trauma.
The walk of shame was so much longer today. i have to start fucking guys in my own postcode.
We just did a u turn on the highway to settle a dispute in a game of slug bug
Randomize
