this morning my mom told me to get a new vibrator because mine was too loud last night
i fell asleep watchin iron chef that was the blender she heard. i dont even own a vibrator
At the same time. Hot men feeding me brownies. In between rounds of sex.
running the faucet water is not hiding the sound of you vomiting. fyi.
Im about to embark on a date with someone who shit in my car. How did this become my life?
If you ever bitch out on 72oz margarita night again, this friendship is over
Apparently I told the girl smoking was terrible for her, and then requested it in my mouth.
Its not gay if you're best friends and there's less than an inch of dick in the picture. That's where the line is drawn
What people don't tell you about near death experiences is they give you a full on chub
My parents just told me that if I stop drinking I could do something great with my life...
They obliviously haven't seen you dance on top of a pool table then
Can you help me get ready before work? I need a look that says I'm-happy-to-help-but-I'm-hungover-so-leave-your-attitude-at-the-door-because-I'm-not-taking-anyone's-shit-today.
I just explained my sex life to the "if you give a moose a muffin" book... Is that weird?
There is a stockpile of mangos and vodka in my backyard and I'm at least 90% sure you had something to do with it.
They forgot my ranch. They're dead to me.
Someone wrote "LazerSwords" on my cock last night. My erect cock. Tequila is no one's friend.
When campus security rolled up he stole their car and drove it like 100 feet. Then he walked up and gave back the keys because it was a hyundai.
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