i blame lastnights decisions on friday the 13th
She was either really drunk or really not interested. Everytime I tried to ask her about herself she would respond with a line from Stepbrothers.
i woke up with my wallet keys and phone missing and a treasure map to find them stapled to my shirt.
haha i know
How many bratwuest were you able to fit in your mouth at one time? It's me, Hans.
1.) where are you? 2.) you making meatballs? 3.) Meatballs for sex?
Party at my house. Beach themed. Clothing optional.
Wouldn't that make it "Nude Beach Themed?"
Bad Decision October is in full swing. I was telling people that "I put on eye makeup today, I'm takin' a dude home with me!".
We need to drink more. Just think how awesome it would be to wake up in a trailer and NOT remember how wee got here.
Turns out the owner of the bar that I fucked used to be on Boy Meets World, but now he's old and bald. So there's that..
I was "singing along to the Lego Movie" high. Everything was not awesome
Yiu ever laugh so hard you stop breathing? Turns out weed -can- kill you.
A guy from tinder a while ago who sent me dick pics straight out the gate is a tech on my dad's hospital floor. I was wondering why he looked familiar and why he never took my dads vitals when I was in the room
If Dr Phil has taught me anything about myself, it’s that I can seriously relate to those women who fake their pregnancies.
So I figured it out. There's two types of shitters. Moaners and grunters. And on occasion there's a third. It's the ill fabled grunt moaner.
I don't know if I'm having early flu symptoms, a miscarriage, or am badly hungover. Web md agrees.
Randomize
