Hurry. And bring back up. SHE WON'T STOP TALKING.
Cops showed up at 4 am to address a noise complaint and she called them pussies for not doing shots with us.
Stop staring at my boobs, I can't concentrate
Well how do you think I feel
fair enough
my mom told me that she didn't count me in the census because im a waste of life anyway.
Let's review the facts-we're bored, we have a ton of beer, and we live 5 minutes from the zoo. This equation is easily solvable
just so you know, you can get through airport security with handcuffs no questions asked
think they'd let him outta jail for my wedding? we could have him back by like midnight....
do you still have a key to my apartment? Without going into too much detail locked myself out naked on the patio, currently using a deck cushion to cover myself so kids walking home from school dont see me
Well I blew a guy I barely know in full view of a homeless camp. That's pretty tame for me.
I woke up with a pinecone in my hair. A full pine cone.
There's a quesaritto in the oven. Neither of us have been to Taco Bell in 3 weeks.
Omg. I can't go on a date with this man. His kids are too ugly.
I blacked out. Broke into their house. Took a shit, and left. This is why you can't leave me unattended.
The playlist was "songs to sing in the shower". I literally got fucked to Footloose.
I could be writing so much lesbian porn right now but noooooo!
Randomize
