Apparently shes in the bathroom puking but eating a pot roast she found in the fridge at the same time.
The lawn was on fire, but I fixed it.
When were having sex he was mumbling some guys name. If he wasn't as hot as he is I'd be concerned.
Dwarf fight at five guys. Today was a good day.
You didn't know it was a gay bar until the 7th guy rejected you. You were crying because you thought it was just a bad night. No more for you.
You're like my zumba instructor for alcoholism right now
Woke up in a pile of people on the floor. His dad was already up and ask me to help him cook bacon because "7 lbs can be a mother fucker"
I either need to get adopted or have someone's baby, but I'm joining that family
To give you an idea, there's a group upstairs trying to break down a door with their fists and heads.
Trying to decide who to DD on the fourth and I came up with a Who's who of guys I've hooked up with in the last month. Not an ideal situation, but I have a feeling it's gonna happen anyway.
Yeah I was thinking something along the lines of "I almost died, lets celebrate with sex. Come over"
Nothing showshows the government the middle finger more than spending your tax refund on drugs
So, I feel bad. I just told my husband I had sex with someone else while on a business trip. Today is his birthday. I'm kind of a dick.
Thanks for not letting me choke to death on my vomit last night
Thank you for attempting to organize my DVDs in chronological and alphbetical order
My vagina! What have you done to it?
Blessed it my child.
Those brownies did us in. I honestly blacked out completely.
What brownies? Ohmygod.
Randomize
