Then I opened the closet and then i found the babies
I'm more picky about my flip flops than the guys I sleep with
Exactly how does jacking off in my purse count as a 'early christmas present'?
Jon thought he was that blonde chick from Three's Company when he was shrooming
i'm taking a spore imprint of the mushroom we found growing in our bathroom and sending a picture to ryan. he will then be able to tell if it's trip-worthy
Yea we slept in ur room but im 80% sure we didnt have any peanut butter in there
Im rolling face in a pizzeria. I want to be with people who love me.
Just got my stitches out.. Now I can give a proper hand job
Sometimes while peeing I'll go hands free, put my arms up by my chest and make claw hands, and pretend I'm a new type of dinosaur called Dickosaurus Rex.
It's amazing where one well timed dick pic can get you in life.
looked up people from my old yearbooks. 3 ex boyfriends are gay. im getting drunk now.
Let's play another riveting game of "Whose boxers are hanging on my fence?"
do you remember yelling out "insecurity makes my pussy dry!" unnecessarily loud at the bar?
The cop took you back from the hospital and the lady at the front desk said "how are you doing cal?" You said "how do you know my name?" she responded "you're the only person i've ever seen that can throw up in your back pocket." Skills dude.
He really is. Owns his own house and has more than one towel!
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