I think a homeless person took a bath in my mouth while I was sleeping :(
dude you were so wasted last night you ate a sandwich made out of tomatos, cheese, doritos, salt & pepper. Then you heated it in the micro for 5 min to melt the cheese.
i'm officially boycotting relationships. hello random hook ups and treating men like meat.
Why do I feel like I used to feel when I almost got caught looking at porn when I get caught looking at facebook at work
i'm pleased to announce i can now open a bottle of wine with my shoe if called upon to do so.
I can't finish this paper in my room because every time I get distracted I start masterbating. I think it's time to go to the library...
dude, when you're random girl from last night came down the stairs this morning she fell all the way down. I laughed. She just walked out. I hope shes ok. Tell her I give her a 10 for that landing though.
He was completely serious when he said my boobs were like "majestic white clouds."
No big deal, we were just two friends having sex. It's perfectly normal we don't remember. Water under the sex bridge,
Just realized ive been sitting through all of lab with a condom in my bra.
yay hump day
So ahh..."Multicultural Night" turned into "Fuck the Neighbor Night"
I'm still drunk. it's summer. I just need a hot dog and an aspirin.
Going through my bras is like traveling back in time through my past hookups and relationships....
No one parties "Full Karen". She once broke a couple up at the bar, ate the girl out in the bathroom and took the guy home.
I need a sign that says “please don’t make plans with me if I’ve had two or more drinks. I will regret them. I will have bitter feelings towards you. Then I will cancel and feel guilty.”
Randomize
