I wish orgasms lasted as long as the pain from rug burn
I've carried my liver for over 24 years. If it can't carry me for the next 24 hours than it deserves to be damaged.
I guess I realized I had a problem when I ordered 4 shots and told the bar wench to pour them all into 1 glass
Dont care what i do tnt just as long as i get to chug a beer in somebodys face
idk but i can hear her singing "Call Me Maybe" really slowly and emotionally in the shower right now
Also, beer. Big fan.
She shit all over my seat. She is not allowed in my car under any circumstances. Not even with drugs. You can't forgive a shit.
There is not enough whiskey in the world to get me through what happened on Pretty Little Liars tonight.
First world problems.
I wanted lighthearted conversation about ordering bulk condoms and anal lube but he's depressed and talking about god hating him, ugh
Fucking holidays. How do I have this many men who want to fuck me and none of them are available when I'm ready to blow my top?
dropping lines from Workaholics has slowly become my icebreaker when hitting on girls. who would have thought "lets get weird" would cause girls to actually get weird
Well, I just bought plan b with the tips I made from the job that I slept with my manager. So yeah, that's my life. How's yours?
You kept hiding under tables and grabbing people's legs and shouting SHARK ATTACK.
Your skill with memes is vaguely frightening
Last thing googled on my laptop last night was vagina chaffing. What the fuck?
Randomize