i feel like god sat there all night pointing and laughing at me
It's not my theme song, it's my blowjob song. There's a difference.
How did you get the entire couch up on it's side and into the bathroom?
does she really think making her boyfriend delete me on facebook is going to magically stop us from hooking up?
It looks like the misc $300 credit card fraud might have been our taxi cab driver who wouldn't take boobs as payment. No wonder...
He just broke up w his most recent gf again, wish I could message her and be like it's not you he's gay.
Just heard the words 'Pussy Riot' on NPR...I almost crashed my car.
theres chocolate ground into my couch, nerds candy all over the floor and cocaine on every surface. great memorial day weekend and yours?
I want to own their dicks and all the attachments
Some girl at my gym just tried to casually drop the fact she can kegel 3 lbs...
I didn't know your ex looked like a male Khloe Kardashian?
It's always nice when a total stranger hates your ex just as much as you think they should.
I'm not letting you use my bathroom unsupervised anymore. You peed in the sink thinking it was a urinal...
Can you not touch my dick while I'm holding a gecko?
He walked in on me masturbating and on my phone but got mad because I wasn't watching porn just tweeting
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