I thought Christmas was going to come before I did
Yeah I'm pretty sure at one point I was telling her to keep her dick in her pants. She was going to do some serious damage.
no dont talk to me..because of you my bar tab was more expensive than my hospital bill
He left with a pair of dress shoes, some goggles, and a shot glass. I think we should follow him.
Being a responsible DD does not include attempting to coordinate a 4 taxi caravan to bar #3
They thought "watering it down" meant adding more vodka
Apparently, his doctor was impressed with how well we took care of his leg. We're like the kings of naked triage.
I HAVE A PIGEON IN MY JACKET.
I'm having flashbacks from last night. Did I admit to pausing Whitney's funeral because I was watching porn? I believe I did.
Want to come over and rub aloe on my tits?
He was making Jim beam nachos. Chips soaked in whiskey with cheese
I accidentally sent him a snapchat of my boobs and now we're going on a date tomorrow... Could be worse.
She paid me 300 bucks to spank her and call her Baby Jane. Then we drank half a bottle of sippin whiskey. I'd call it a twelve out of ten.
I made the antidote to the nasty cognac. I AM THE GOD OF MIXED DRINKS.
My roommate's overnight guest is screaming about the dog licking his asshole. I need a new place to live.
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