just took a pee in my own yard...decided i had to poo..only got a dingle berry....wiped it away with my finger..help me...my mom AND dad are home.
His hospital is closing...I consider it "sorry you're losing your job" sex.
scarred for life. way too high and witnessed some chick give a dude head on the dance floor
i'm forwarding you the dirty picture of that fat girl that likes me sent . i feel like since youre my best friend you should puke in your mouth too .
Since you're going to wake up and see one bajillion missed calls from me, I just want you to know that's a perfectly reasonable number. Now come downystairs.
I came to the party for him. I don't know where he went, but I mentioned being hungry and his housemate brought me a huge tupperware container of berry cobbler. I think I'll stay.
So, I'm a little drunk in Seattle with Glenna, but we've all agreed that it's patriotic to think about Bill Clinton from time to time during sex. 'Merica
He made me choke him and call him Papi..so all in all a good night.
Now: to brush my teeth, put on my grandma slippers and earplugs, masturbate to 50 Shades and then PTFO
I mean seriously, she can have his dick anytime and im over here salivating like a thirsty bitch.
My chance to home wreck was right in front of me and I didn’t grab it by the balls
You can cuddle me. Word on the street is my ass is ridiculous.
My freshman suitemate just walked into the kitchen to find my fuck buddy making chicken enchiladas without me anywhere to be found. Awkward or awesome?
Still drunk, heading to class.
It's 3 a.m. Dude
Doesn't mean I'm not at my desk. Ill wait.
They're doing CPR to someone in the middle of Victoria's Secret. Way to block the undies, damnit!
Randomize