i killed an earwig and left its corpse on the wall as a warning
he just invited me over for the 3 p's...pepsi pizza and porn...I'm gonna marry him
All I wanna do is sit in water and get drunk. The only thing more American is giving birth to eagles.
I'm about to tackle a 10 year old off a sea doo
Puked in my laptop case in the middle of my nutrition class.
i can recognize that vagina from a mile away
If i theoretically had to put an iv back in what do I need to do?
I'm walking home wearing Kermit the frog footie pajamas, carrying a monogrammed shot glass set with my name on it. It's fucking Christmas!
First night sober since New Years. I'm not sure what hurts more, the hangover or the credit dread when I find out what the tickets to Bali actually cost.
Don't be surprised if I hand out mini dildos on Halloween
I'm almost too old to be on The Real World but feel like I'm too young to be on The Bachelor and I'm just really confused with my place in life.
You gave him that scrunchie you made and called it your "sex offering".
You stopped making out with some rando guy to tell him you weren't sure about your sexuality then proceeded to follow me down the street to make out with me
Being hungover in this office is the actual worst. Like they look at me and know I was wasted at 1 am, karaokeing Billy Idol at a gay bar.
My favorite part was making you pull out your lucky steelers vibrator and show it to jerome bettis at the bar
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