I'm going to shit on something weird... I can't wait
I just ran into the couch, vagina first.
I hope you got dinner out of it
Just got walked in on during safety inspections
Think you passed?
youre just mad i got the high score on the breathalyzer
just found a carrot inside of a baby sock. living with toddlers is like living with tiny hammered people.
he grabbed my head and said "you are a horse. I am leading you to water" pushed it down and whispered "Drink."
Helped an old lady on crutches throw away her mcdonalds, carried her stuff to the car and helped her get in...most productive cinco de mayo hands down
Immediate regret. She's like a chihuahua on crack.
She once gave me sex advice over the phone while intoxicated. So no you don't have the cooler therapist.
There's a guy in a life size dick costume, and two guys with white shirts that are each half if a pair of breasts in a red bra lol. They came separate but when they saw each other there was some titty fucking in the street, it's only 11
I could definitely fill a shot glass w my cum
please don't
Apparently I told him he would be good for human sacrifice.
I just blew thrown up hashbrowns out my nose. That's the level of this hangover.
I feel like I should have held a press conference. The state of my vagina
Why does my car smell like burnt toast?
I take it you don't remember trying to make grilled cheese with your cigarette lighter...
Randomize
