i just fell asleep masturbating. I'm no longer surprised i'm single. I can't even pleasure myself.
i really wish my pants would only unzip when im sober
im in Michaels with rachel and i see a little boy jumping around and waving a rainbow pompom. Welcome to our team little one
Can we end it on a good note at least? Can we fuck and then never talk again?
Couldn't find any balloons, so we're doing whippets out of condoms. Being a ho has its benefits.
I woke up to find his roommate face down on the couch with no pants on, with a sticky note that said "was lost but now am found"
I hate you so much right now. You got us kicked out of my favorite bar because your drunk ass was hogging the Bluetooth jukebox and would play NOTHING but that goddamn skeleton song. IT'S NOT EVEN OCTOBER YET.
Spopky scrzy skeletonssz
When did it become normal to wake up in the middle of the night to take a group bathroom break and have a 10 minute discussion on where the next football game is?
Oh my god I found my bf's erotica
OH MY GOD HE WROTE THIS EROTICA.
OH MY GOD THIS IS GOOD EROTICA.
I'm only wearing socks and eating tuna, don't do this to me right now.
Is it too soon for me to wonder what sex with him would be like?
He's mad about lube? You know what, don't even. I'm not in the proper mindset to discuss lube.
Quick I need a sexy way to say "suck your balls"
Took the ex out to the bar, then left with her and her best friend....and you said this was a bad thing.
You got drunk, made toast, and declared yourself a domestic goddess.
Randomize
