Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
Cuntadactyl. (n). A pre-historic dinosaur of Mandy-like features that is primarily identified by it's inability to play well with others and overall C-word demeanor. Physically, an unfortunate appearance.
You came on your own forehead. Just wanted to remind you that.
you threatened to puke on the table cause they didnt serve eggs Benedict
wanna go with us to feed the ducks bread soaked in vodka?
how could i say no?
I've decided I'm peeing in a solo cup then throwing it on his windshield. It's official. He called the cops 4 times in our first week at the house. He deserves it, right?
Her vagina smelled like pancake batter. That's all you need to know.
Currently in the bathroom stall of a gay bar in new haven giving myself an anti throw up pep talk
you cant ever make fun of my bong's stick on moustache again. its the reason the cop let me keep it and my weed.
You need to be more adventurous.
I am! Just not in a "I wanna get diseases" way
We were sitting in a hot tub debating how drunk we could get by osmosis if we kept spilling our drinks in it. This is what engineering college does to you.
You were chugging tap water out of a running blender screaming "bubbles is Perrier mother fucker"
My Captain America poster fell down. Cap is disappointed in my life decisions.
You may be fancy. But you'll never be having cheesy garlic bread and scotch at 3am fancy.
They were out of watermelon smirnoff, so we got you a fifth of 5 o'clock and an actual watermelon.
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