my number is 615-555-1212, <3 your favorite asshole
You're the end to all my bad dreams.
Did you have that reoccuring dream about me banging your mom again?
Judging by her face, I'd say she's at least dabbled with meth...
...and the foreplay consisted of me threatening to cut off his hand if he didn't remove it from my back.
what's the name of that soccar player i bit again?
Um....sorry for hooking up with your brother last night...
Actually i take that back. You dropped the whiskey last night and broke the bottle. Were even
Put it this way, at one point I was getting stoned on the roof of the strip club with one of the strippers while another one gave me a free lap dance. That wasn't even the best part of the night.
Hey can you text me Heidi's phone number. I just stapled her mattress to the wall and I want to send her a picture of it.
Some guy just hit on me and then said, well you look too young to ride the emotional roller coaster and guestured to his dick.
I give all credit to my lucky thong, there's never a time I haven't gotten laid while wearing it
Like pizza and mermaids make up about 1/3 of my thoughts on the weekends.
Okay, I just reached peak living alone
I ate a piece of chocolate cake while jerking off
It's becoming clear to me that I am not sugar baby material. I don't think I could handle old balls long term.
We were too tired to finish having sex so we just stopped to eat the cheesecake and passed out. I didn't mind
As soon as you told us you were an ostrich with a big penis, we began to wonder what you were on and if you wanted to share.
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