she's like "i'm so proud of u" ... and then i threw up on myself
My friend is getting herself a tramp stamp that says "property of the half blood prince".
yeah, and then after the convo was clearly over, my dad decides to scream "SIZE MATTERS" just to make things even more uncomfortable.
I just can't bring boyfriends home.
I just asked my hair stylist how many percocets she'd do my hair for.
They refer to his house as "the abortion clinic". Cant wait.
you sat in the middle of your kitchen floor feeding your dog blueberries one by one
Found a single cinnamon toast crunch between my butt cheeks. We did work last night
So far, my day has been sparkling with the tears of a thousand rainbow unicorns. I'd say this is quality shit you've grown.
I am never going on a blind date ever again. He drank way too much and kept telling me I had a nice boob. Like.. Singular. What's the other one? The ugly twin?
is leaving the club to fk in his friends van subtle?
Tonight I celebrated marriage equality by letting a girl I don't know kiss me at the club.
Well, let's just say, I got that eye patch like we were joking about
A guy from tinder a while ago who sent me dick pics straight out the gate is a tech on my dad's hospital floor. I was wondering why he looked familiar and why he never took my dads vitals when I was in the room
I felt like I should've driven him home but I was holding in a fart and just needed him to leave
I finally realized he drank way too much when he tried serenading me to the song "come my lady" while slowly and creepily making his way toward me...keeping constant eye contact.
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