I think im pregnant
I think you have the wrong number
i'm using my hot pot to make jello shots in a muffin tin. i'm never ever graduating.
Don't make me out to be the bad guy. You practically MADE me cum on your food.
Good lord, they've set up every firework to be ignited by a trail of gasoline at midnight. God save us all.
He told her, Don't talk. Just sit there so I can imagine that you have the kind of personality I wish you had.
Hooking up with him would mean my type has officially become... drug dealer.
You are very nonchalant about the high probability of us having an orgy.
Eh, I'm ok with this, this can work. We're the best kind of the worst people.
I can't decide if the sex was so good I couldn't move, or if it was me being loaded on all the morphine that they shot me up with at the ER.
Every time you started making out for him we all cheered for you... that's what sorority sisters do - they cheer you on when you make bad life decisions at the bar.
I heard that clinking noise from behind me and I already knew you were whipping out a Smirnoff in class. Again.
Where'd you go last night?
Don't EVER let me photobomb a group of lesbians again. They made me their "straight mascot" and I ended up singing Donna summer tunes for beers at their apartment complex.
She said she wouldn't get out of hand. When the cops showed up she jumped off the 4ft high porch and fell into a ditch. She then buried herself because she was wearing light pants and though the light from the cops flashlights would reflect off her pants. We couldn't find her for 40 minutes.
You can't just snapchat me a picture of a pregnancy test and then not answer your phone
The way I see it, there's 2 types of friends. Those you should do drugs with, and those you really,really shouldn't.
How bad is it that I can say that this isn't the first time a married man, who is in the military, has tried to make me his mistress?
Randomize
