I least I know I can't get pregnant because it's on my hair
he left me a 6 minute video of him peeling a clementine listening to justin bieber
I just saw "i'm bigger then that" as her facebook status. Would it be better to make a fat joke or correct her grammar?
I just paid a homeless man $20 for the dragon ball Z shirt he was wearing. I need to stop drinking
Maybe its all the xanax she takes but she literally has NO shame
Dude, someone broke the toilet seat in two, the is a pair of panties on the kitchen counter, and the entire house smells like a brewery
Just got a free shot w my beer...it's not quite 11am yet...I love international travel. These people aren't judgmental.
Just because I tried to backhand you with a fist full of cash does not make me violent
What kind of scumbag goes to a baby's 1st birthday party with a black eye? This kind. Me. I'm disgraceful.
that's the second time I've made out with him and woken up with my pants stuffed with PBRs I am convinced he's magic
I feel like one thing if I have going for me is that my bed looks like a nice place to have sex
I'm honestly wondering if my vagina did something to offend the universe
He came on my face and he was genuinely concerned about getting it in my hair. I'm marrying him.
not sure what the chiropractor did but my junk deserves a cape now.
Probably some sort of karmic revenge for me looking at titties somewhere along the way
and for that you shall suffer
God: I won't strike you down, but I shall introduce your child to Doja Cat during a quarantine
Randomize
