I woke up in a stranger's bathtub with a broken shower curtain as my blanket.
Operation extremely regretful is in full effect
she's about as cool as a sandpaper handjob.
yah i'm on my way- is everything ok?
i'm holding a walmart bag of my own hot vomit that i closed up with some random chicks hair tie. we r pretty fucking far from ok
i woke up in the fire place with a lighter in my hand. if i would have died the night would have made up for it.
someone just sent me a bong wrapped in christmas paper in the mail. signed 'santa'.
Did i actually sleep there? Or did i just get sand everywhere?
I just had a fifteen minute conversation with a Raccoon by the garbage bin. I was feeding it chex mix.
Our music was glorious. Maidens were deflowered to the sound of my voice.
You haven't lived until you've thrown up naked in a hotel room in Fargo while holding your breasts so they don't touch the toilet bowl.
i want george washington to fuck me as hard as he can holy shit
But if you do poop yourself let me know. I want that as a tagline. "So funny she'll make you shit yourself."
You don't feed me, fuck me, or fulfill me.
For the record, if you sneeze while you have a dildo in your vagina and you dont have a good grip on it, that thing can get some distance.
My arm is completely dead, never again will i give you a 20 minute hand job. You better have enjoyed that asshole. I have to text with my left hand now.
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