i was so high i thought his mole came off and was flying around
Whoever said drinking more helps a hangover didn't drink 96% of a fifth of whiskey last night. This is absurd.
After me and my boyfriend broke up I had to resist the temptation to send a mass text to my booty calls saying "thank you for your patience. it will be rewarded."
This morning my doorman told me it was an accomplishment for me to be standing and conscious after last night.
On the bright side I got 500 American Express points paying for the abortion
The couch is in the bathroom. I don't understand how that is even possible. I couldnt even fit that shelf thingy through the door. Come help. I am about to pee my pants.
From russia with love. But also with chlamydia.
Those titties aren't worth a lifetime of listening to her talk about gluten free yams and japanese manga.
Every pair of shorts I try on makes me look like some kind of powerful lesbian wizard.
That is like, the point of shorts
Besides he said his dick was as big as a loaf of bread and that it was broken. So I was like u have half a head of hair and a broken dick that looks like bread. No thanks. Im good.
you know it was a successful halloween when you wake up and have a firecracker in your tits
all we have is white fucking wine this is a travesty it's christmas not a fucking funeral
I asked him to make me two boxes of macaroni and cheese. That's like eight servings. How did I think that was an okay amount.
Im covered in coffee vomit and urine and none of which are mine
The bad thing is that I bled through my bandages last night and keep finding blood around the house. It's almost like a scavenger hunt for solber me. I get to find out where drunk me went.
Randomize