My dignity? Collapsing on itself like a dying star.
The guy dancing on me has three visible teeth. WHERE ARE YOU?
I feel like my nuva ring should have a vibrating switch.
just ran into my gynecologist at the liquor store... i think she's found the source of my problems
The liquor store wont accept checks from us anymore.
The low-flow toilet at my office cannot handle the intensity of this hangover.
I feel like I just want to take a shot of jack, have sex, and shoot myself in the face. In that order exactly.
Literally just saw a 7 year old intently rub his penis on the metro. I'm not ready for this
SEX BINGO!
Canadian or clown?
So that advice that humming stops you from puking? Yeah no, just puked through my nose.
I'm terrified that I'm going to have a baby with a guy who posts snapchat stories while ignoring my texts
Lol he touched my butt after his grad party and a shooting star went by. No kidding. My ass is mystical.
Who's the naked guy asleep in your car?
When I came out of the bathroom you were naked dead asleep on the couch but your dick was still rock hard standing straight up. I almost took a pic. It was impressive.
While I was giving him head he told me he had to go door to door the next day and "spread the word of Jesus Christ" I felt like a Disney villain out to steal his virtue.
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