So he just rolled over in his sleep and said "that's a punctuation mark..."
dude i just figured out that the tostitos sign is two people eating chips and salsa. being high totally pays off sometimes
God, i just love slightly insecure guys with hearts of gold and giant penises.
I just remembered how awesome your handjobs were in 7th grade, you were a true champ, thank you
sudden memory flashback: you and i having sex on the bed, erin sitting naked in your desk chair drinking whiskey straight from the bottle while harassing you for your computer password to play some "mood music." high five. go us.
So maybe I got drunk and hooked up with him in a hot tub? I mean that's nothing to be ashamed of, that kind of takes talent. I'd drown.
ted dressed as a cardinal led an expedition across campus. i felt like one of the 12 apostles.
I went to her house she had a kid pool in her living room watching the vacation channel drinking rum out of the bottle saying" life is what you make it. Mines a vacation!!!"
the conference was great. we had to hide the acid in a planter in front of the department of agriculture though
When you're done railing that chick, there is still half a pizza and some ninja turtle mac and cheese down here if you want
That moment when your mom is so drunk she makes you get out of bed to lay in her bed because she thinks it feels like sleeping on a marshmallow peep....
So the revenge porn my ex posted just resulted in a contract with a gay porn company. I'm going to make $8,000 this weekend. That would a breakup checkmate. Are you joining me in the legislative committee hearing tomorrow?
Well, he didn't buy me a birthday present but he sure did give me chlamydia so there's that.
3 weeks in a row I've pulled '69' at the deli counter...God is giving me shit for not getting laid in a year....
I will bring Jesus to court if he punishes me for that
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