So I answered the door in my underwear expecting my boyfriend. Instead I opened the door to Mormon missionaries. Do you think that was a sign from God?
Standing in line for a prescreening of Alice in Wonderland - guy just passed out cold in front of us - first drug overdose of the Alice in Wonderland phenomenon witnessed.
Since when do you have sex with people you have feelings for?
Dude you don't understand. I genuinely felt his soul's penis in my soul's vagina.
Dude i swear to christ if he sends me one more pic of a "magnificent dump" im changing my number
and now i get to think about how i fulfill a gay man's harry potter fantasy. thanks for that
Im organizing a group to help fondle my shoe. Too many shots dude. Too many.
I feel strange, like something is off with my body
Yeah that's called sobering up, we've been drunk for the past 4 days
And I really REALLY don't feel like cleaning cinnamon off my penis tonight.
I just want a man to crawl into my bed with me and never crawl out. Anti socialism at his best.
I just meant the frequency of your blow jobs on a flow chart wouldn't look too promising
i just woke up to her giving me a toothy BJ so I had to break into your bedroom and steal about 4 condoms. Sorry for waking you. :(
Side Note: Everyone in my office is getting engaged and having baby showers. And I'm all like, fuck your joy, I just want more string cheese in my life.
EW HE LOOKS LIKE SOMEONE'S DAD
She used a candle as a shot glass.. A FUCKING CANDLE BRO!!
Even in drag you're still better looking than your sister.
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