If i'm not hungover, near death, and wondering what i did the night before on Monday, life is not worth living.
Would it be cruel if i sold xanax instead of adderall to freshman unfamiliar to the drug-taking profession?
its 4:30 pm. In the mall. Just threw up into my hands. I love Vegas and Vegas loves me
Nothing says I have a hang over like telling your boss to "eat your shit"
When I like her vacation photos, it really means "Im sleeping with your boyfriend." wonder if she will make the connection.
She came back in her actual cheerleader uniform. Made a bad bj tolerable.
Guess who has two thumbs and just fell outta his car and almost peed himself
My black heart of coal cannot compete with your boiling crock pot of teddy bears, rainbows, 90s music, and the good candy you get from rich people on Halloween.
As soon as he came we went to Dairy Queen. That drive through lady was very condescending about our "just fucked" ice cream.
It's national "dress up your pet day" come over. Drugs and dressed up cats..it's the shit dreams are made of.
Funny how I'm trusting a magic 8 ball I found in the kids toy section to tell me about my sex life
So I was just like hi, I'm your roommate's gf. Please don't hate me. That would be rly inconvenient for you.
it wasnt that bad
you tried to climb into my fireplace while screaming TO DIAGON ALLEY! we didnt even watch harry potter. it was bad
He has no idea he’s my boyfriend.
The next morning I found her spread eagle asleep on the living room floor and he was asleep with his head in her crotch. I needed a ride and had to wake them up.
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