he wouldnt have sex with me because his guild had a misson on world of warcraft.
You need to stop texting me at SEVEN in the morning. It wakes my one night stands up and makes for the awkward talk way too early.
I just chugged a whole pitcher of beer in 1 min. 9 sec. A whole goddamn pitcher.
It started as a joke and ended with a trip to the emergency room, a broken macbook and a gigantic hole in the concrete of my driveway.
I opened my package from my mom today. She put four bottles of tequila in the bottom under my ducky slippers. She knows me way to well.
U took a sewing needle to his nipple
Psshh,
We definitely need to avoid these "I'm gonna get stabbed if I stay here any longer" partys
Ugh contemplating vodka and chocolate protein powder as this Capri sun and vodka isn't really cutting it
Oh dear God, they have a song about Mom...
That seems dangerous to buy acid from a stranger on craigslist
I sent her a video on Snapchat of me cumming, with a Father's Day snap filter that said "#1 Dad".
I'm eating a bagel on the toilet and watching porn. Trust me, I've got my priorities straight.
Haha i really think theres no better way to tell a paramedic sorry for breaking your nose than a beautiful and healthy edible arrangement...
Abby there's no shame in reading porn. It takes more work than watching I suppose
Sextember may be over, but Cocktober is just beginning!!!
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