White wifebeaters are like orgies with fat people. Enjoyable in private, i'm sure, but in public: no thanksss.
Reach down the front of your pants and feel around for a while. When you find your balls, leave the library and meet me at the bar.
you were carrying around a glass of vodka telling everyone it was Russian water
After throwing up, the toothpaste tasted so good. Thank you for not letting me eat it.
I don't remember anything past "we have 15 minutes to drink this keg."
he told me he could still feel the blowjob i gave him last year
wow. THAT good huh
Just had the "whores are people too" talk with Mom. Bright side it's Christmas, and I may have been drunk, I don't think she caught on.
This guy has a theme song for the joints he rolls
Whatever I'm getting wasted, my costume's bomb, and there's a good chance I'm getting laid. Not letting stupidity ruin my night!
What kind of present accurately says to my male suitemate "I'm sorry that I accidentally flashed you my vagina while I was super drunk"?
I just noped my wife on Tinder. Turns out I was the second one to find out that we both have it.
I just drunk texted the Italian guy and now I’m flooded with Shane. Uh, shame, not Shane. He sounds nice, though.
Two of my dealers just made friends at this party. Do you think one will be pissed if I buy from the other or should I just go 50/50?
if he becomes president of the united states, I will tell EVERYONE that i took his virginity.
My boss spotted an injured PIGEON outside the front door this morning (at 3:30am) and requested that I catch it and take it to the vet. Catch it with what! Take it where!These requests have gone too far...
Randomize
