did you get my message about your dog?
no... is he ok?
no, i didn't see him when i was being chased out of your house. check your drive way :( sry
Signed everyone in my dorm up for free samples of astroglyde. Took me an hour. Happy new years!!!!!
That bus ride was like a tour of all the bushes I puked behind last night
They're sharing a mixed drink at a bar with straws...its like a disney movie with booze
I was cleaning out my bag and I found some xanax wrapped in plastic with a note that said "use in case of emergency"
Someone said we're out of ice. You collapsed on the spot and started sobbing, saying 'but where will all the polar bears live". That drunk.
i just remebered that we smoked out my hamster yesterday...
i hope hes still alive. i just remember you give him a shit load of cereal and saying "trust me your going to need it"
He was waring a speedo fashioned out of american flag bandanas and when he got hard he said "you're such a patriot...raising the american flag like that"
You have permanently scared my back with your nails. I would like to congratulate you on a job well done.
The cops busted down the door and everyone ran. I was just trying to find my shirt before I got arrested
And thanks to you I'm pretty sure I'm banned from every qdoba in south carolina. And cab company
Have you ever gotten so angry that you stripped in public?
Had a slight melanoma scare this morning. Spoiler alert, it was Nutella.
He ate me out while I was playing bejeweled. It was the greatest moment of my life.
may or may not have snorted a line of tums... wtf.
Randomize
