I'm playing the sound guy on a porno set
Why is there a living, breathing cow on your front porch?
I like your house better though. Cause it has febreeze and lube.
I don't think you have any idea how kinky that sounds.
and do you remember when you were dressing me if i had money in my bra?
I'm doing this for my boobs. They miss him.
I found my underwear on the sidewalk 8 blocks from her house while on my walk of shame. I also found our beer bag and a full beer in the bush.
Not rlly sure. Might just drink and sleep. Gotta wake up for my last rabies shot lol
I want to let you in on my two latest life goals. Have a photograph of me squirting whipped cream into a midget's mouth, and have sex on a roof.
Besides asking our teacher if he enjoyed being fisted did I have any other tragic moments last night?
I filled this oven with as much Pizza as I could, and I've been eating out of it for three days.
Just ate the last piece. Refilling the oven.
Do you realize half our text conversations are you asking me for tit pics and me saying no?
We're the worst. Two people without their shit together do not make a functional adult.
slept at my ex’s house last night and as i was leaving his brother was sitting there on the sofa and said “bet you regret that one don’t ya”
At one point I believe I was despencing medical advice while wearing a sombrero and a hulk hand
He's got a big dick, a steady job and tells me I'm pretty. There is litterally nothing else I look for I a guy.
Randomize
