How is Miami?
Omk. I'm shitggaved om loincoln
Just left a map of the Aleutian islands on this Eskimo girls face. Check one off my Alaska to do list.
We're so high we're finding things in the room to build a submarine with. So far we have two cardboard boxes, a piece of wood, puffy paint, and an empty bottle to use as a periscope.
I just figured I'd let u know that you bought a yacht on ebay last night
she wouldn't play beer pong with me unless I took off the rollerskates.
Having boobs is probably the greatest thing in the world, free booze all around
I need you to perform a face transplant. Please remove your face from your accounting book and relocate it to where it's most needed - between my legs.
There are no winners in a lube eating competition.
George Washington did not fight for our freedom just to have people shit themselves all night
If my life today were a movie the subtitle would be: Revenge of the Beer Shits
I can show you the world. Shining, splimbering vaginaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa
please tell dad to clear the porn off his tablet before he lends it to anyone from now on
What’s the level of adulting when you reschedule a dentist appointment to have a threesome?
Memeber that time you got detained in Poland. We don’t talk about that enough
What do you want. Tryin to service my husband like the good wife that I am. It is bj Tuesday
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