I googled "I hate my uterus" just to make sure I wasn't the only one.
This is the 4 year anniversary of the last time I shit my pants. Let's get drunk...
Your like the Mozart of blow jobs, you make every other girl seem like cheesy elevator music.
I was trying to make tacos and friends but there was a major language barrier.
I have got to stop assigning last names to girls I get numbers from based on what I think will remind me of them... Sarah Petrydish is not an acceptable memory trigger
We got three kegs and a backhoe. Now taking bets on what charges we end up getting arrested for. Will need bail money.
Be careful. Don't drive if your body turns into a caterpillar again.
you never texted me what you wanted from the store so I got a piece of chicken and bottle of tequila. if you want anything else you are on your own.
There are two types of people in this world I don't trust: people who collect stamps, and people who don't drink
Look man, sometimes you just gotta say "Sure! Why not? I can always take a shower afterwards"
I drunkenly transformed into shehulk last night and lifted every single guy off the ground bc one guy told me that there was no way I was strong enough. Don't worry, I proved them wrong. Stupid stereotypical men.
Do you guys think there will be a coke-for-Molly barder at bonnaroo?
No more house parties. We're almost fucking 30 years old and I slept until 6 pm.
if i seriously got my dick up last night, then im taking him to disney world cause thats just fuckin impressive
mcfuck me up
MCFUCK ME UP INSIDE
Randomize
