Tip for today: never try to fart and swallow at the same time. You'll end up choking on whatever you are currently swallowing and shit yourself from the freakout of choking.
coke and sex party at dan's
im watching greys anatomy with megan...
wha-pishhh
Bank of America texted me 7 times in 12 hours to say my balance was below $50. I kept transfering money back in. Then I texted my bank saying that it was okay, i knew what I was doing.
The freshman sure do fuck up the whataburger line at 2am
She found 60 bucks at the strip club. Its probabably been in a vagina but really most money probably has
I love flavors. My neighbour is owide smoking and so am I. I'm adio boooooored and I need an adult.
So were u tired or drunk when u wrote last night's text message?
pills.
I was giving a campus tour, when a drunk senior came up behind me and shouted at the group, "If Jesus ain't your homeboy - get the fuck off this campus!" Looks like his religion course is paying off...
She kept pulling joints out of her bra and asking strangers for birthday hugs.
Just had a horrible realization. I've fucked a guy with a webbed foot AND a guy with a third nipple.
I lost my bar virginty and made out with a dwarf. It was a good night
you can't tell me not to come to work cause roads are bad then ask me an hour later to come in and expect me to be sober
Well you should have thought of that before you were reckless with your butt
What color nail polish screams, "Either fuck me or get the hell out of my way"?
The fact that u had sex with a Disney prince blows my mind, you're my hero.
I managed to convince her that the egg yolks were actually orange juice and she fell for it
Randomize
