Just saw the pics you left in my phone. thanks for reminding me that last night was not a dream.
Aparently his snake got loose in the middle of the night. Not a sex joke, he has a fucking snake
Am i fat?
Well i wouldnt let you on top
Somewhere between catching the stove on fire and not being aware of it being on fire while I'm in the living room. I drank too much.
I couldn't sleep so I drunk ellipticaled for an hour. Worst. Idea. Ever.
if any part of your body has ever entered my vagina you are fucking obligated to speak to me if i so desire
Every time I walk onto campus my Saint Patrick's day scar starts to throb. I'm like a drunken accident prone Harry Potter
After my mom met Tanner, she literally turned and said "he's from old money, top of his class at Emory, already has doctors courting him for jobs and judging from your vocal performance the other night, he's gifted in bed. Fake a pregnancy right now"
I come from her. Holy hell.
Please ask me to tell you about the time I watched two of my friends chase my drunk roommate with a broken foot around downtown
Wait. We seriously played strip beer pong at the bar last night. Who said I never came up with good ideas
Who the fuck gets injured on a merry-go-round? HOW IS IT POSSIBLE??
There's only two more days left to say you saw me naked this year.....I'll bring the booze, you got all of next year to rationalize why.
I'm wearing a sports bra. Of course I'm not getting laid tonight.
I was eating pickles straight from a jar, contemplating doing something productive. What did I miss?
You made me promise I wouldnt let you play "fuck fuck goose" with a 40 year old ever again.
Randomize