That poor girl was naked and had to be at a job interview in an hour
Three of the best words ever! Cocaine. Research. Study.
You paid the taxi driver with a comb last night.
He was using OnStar to get directions to the bar. I'm pretty sure he'd have gotten her number too if I hadn't disconnected the call.
She just looked at him and said "I'm gonna fuck that" and it totally worked.
When I get home we should play "let's see how many Christmas movies we can watch before we start having sex."
I'll be there. With Doritos and whisky. Don't expect much more.
I ran into his family and they made me a ham sandwich and I asked if they wanted to come streaking. I felt they deserved the invite.
I would say "man cannot subsist on sexting and brownies alone" but I think it's actually possible.
Listen it's no longer the walk of shame to class when ur leaving the frat house and the brothers ask "when are coming back home"
I feel like I beer bonged a ton of asbestos
My joke about liking my coffee like I like my men IS ABOUT TO COME TRUE.
I should not be able to sum up my life with a taco brand motto...
Dude I'm fucking tired of freshman, there are god damn teeth marks on my dick again
when she didn't finish her burrito you wanted to call the cops because you said it was neglect
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