then my best friend's brother, boyfriend, and future bro in law showed up at the bar. they asked who i was there with. didn't know if "a 40 year old man" or "my 5th grade teacher" was better answer.
he sent me a picture of his dick with a heart border around it
When you started Hi-fiving people I knew u were fucking gone. You slapped some dude on the shoulder when he wouldn't hi-five you and he asked if he even knew you
Yeah i knew he wasn't okay when he told me he was "seeing his vision"
Dude just read our convo. Apparently I was talking to you while I was naked. She wasn't happy about it.
whatever. i don't care. i just want to be drunk wrapped in an american flag.
Just pulled back my covers. Jizz. Jizz everywhere. Hipster jizz everywhere on my only set of sheets.
I have hit nutritional rock bottom I am spreading peanut butter on to lays potato chips
I am the prescription. I can be taken orally or vaginally and in any dosage. This is why I went to med school.
Just rolled up to a matinee showing of THE HOBBIT. At the dollar theater. Alone. In sweats. With a fifth of sunnybrook and leftover pizza in a ziplock. There's a dude here in cape with his elderly mother. I'm handling this breakup FIIIIIINE.
I think you just miss his friendship.
I think it's his ability to give me multiple orgasms.
These last 48 hours have just been about deleting my most recent snap story
If we hadn't just agreed to no commitment, i'd totally propose right now. Best. Fuckbuddy. Ever.
I now know he's been cheating for a while. I also know HER name, address, phone number, Facebook account, religion and zodiac sign. I feel like I'm earning my restraining order. Point is, never fuck over a librarian.
Found your bra
Where?
Hanging in the tree
Randomize
