oh my god, i just wanna eat cake off your dick
The girl I brought home was really impressed with the pile of blow you were doing while watching "Intervention."
Freshman orientation day on campus. Dear diary, JACKPOT.
Still borderline I believe. As bad as this sounds, I feel God owes me one here and should not let his grandmother die till after my birthday
And for some reason I just want to have sex with EVERYTHING
I was going to ask the people in the kitchen to keep the volume down, but they're cooking pasta at 3 AM and one complimented me on my polka-dot nightgown. They're high. No volume control.
Dude, if I don't end up wearing a banana suit in Milwaukee, I will consider that trip a complete failure.
Just so you know my hand is still healing from where you drunkenly clawed me last Saturday
Turns out the owner of the bar that I fucked used to be on Boy Meets World, but now he's old and bald. So there's that..
Why aren't you two playing Dora the explorer with each other's genitals yet?
UPDATE: IM NOT A TEEN MOM LETS GO PARTY
I'm on A4A looking at dick pics while the CEO is on the phone trying to convince me not to leave the company
I went to smoke a bowl and realized that my lighter is out and there's still frozen blueberries in my bong... I need to reevaluate my life...
Why is there a business card for people who need bail bonds in my wallet...
Woke up this morning to him making out with me in his sleep, then I had to go on a scavenger hunt to find a used condom before my roommate got back... it was under my pillow.
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