I must say, I don't like the act of throwing up, but the feeling after is quite delightful
he is fucking friends with his exwife on facebook, but he defriends me after 3 dates? am i that crazy?
Walk of shame was bad enough, but farting with each step as I walked past his roommates was just not cosmically fair.
I remember why I come home for the holidays. Sam Adams is the cheapest beer in the fridge
It didn't go so well. He got drunk and asked my dad if 'front or back' virginity mattered more.
What's the rule on cocaine before dinner?
Its 11 o'clock somewhere
so my mom thinks I'm picking you up just to go buy you liquor before you go back to school tomorrow...
I'm ashamed that your mom thinks I haven't already taken care of that.
We play beat the clock every morning. When the alarm goes off, she hits snooze and drops her panties. If I can't finish in time to beat the snooze, she jumps in the shower and I've gotta jerk off.
Ok. I'll enjoy the quiet (translation: I might be naked, call ahead if you come home tonight)
Isis wins if we don't have the loudest, kinkiest sex in every part of my house tomorrow
I still can't believe that dog licked my nipple.
I'm killing it this week, I've peed my pants and put my vibrator into the washing machine.
"They let me see the x-ray. My nose is broken. I saw it. It was cool. Well, I guess it would be cooler if it wasn't my nose."
Hope you’re getting action boo.
Definitely no. I woke up next to a bag of McDonald's.
I didn’t spend $100 for a wax to sit here and listen to you FT your brother to complain about how bad the Jets are.
Randomize
