Latest life lesson : don't accidentally send an "I nutted on her tramp stamp" text to your tattoo-less girlfriend. Oops.
Why did you video tape me drying my boxers in the microwave?
i know you like preteen girls so i'm gonna offer you some advice...dump a bucket of glitter on yourself and walk into the sunlight. they will come running.
You do realize there's a subtle difference between not remembering your outfit from april 17th of last year vs forgetting that last night you undressed in the street and were grabbing every dick you could reach, right?
can't decide if i look like a hooker or a missing member of Poison today
He took off his priest costume and proceeded to dryhump the teletubby.
Jailed a totally belligerent hot guy. That was probably my most thorough pat down. Ever.
Thank you <3 he just looked at me, fist bumped me, and asked me what was on my titty....we may cut her off
I'm a complete klutz, especially when I get excited. I pee a lot too. I'm like a puppy except I don't pee in the floor.
Of course I have a pirate flag
She pretty much spent NYE measuring dicks, trying to decide which one to take home.
It’s like a buffet of marriages! Every option is available to you!
I started the day with dreams of getting laid and ended it with the reality of eating Taco Bell in my bed with my dog.
Sometimes you have good days, sometimes m you delete 360 screenshots off your camera roll.
I literally blew him under my face mask. Not because I thought it'd protect me from COVID, but because I wanted to prove to myself that I could.
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