3:26am: come over
you purposely dodge me and you could have stopped me from leaving, you know how far i live. YOU come over
4:11am: mnlodp
dude I don't understand hebrew and I'm not coming over
it was a shit show
We all have our days. But yours might be on the internet.
My roommate's all sad and is crying and the chick I want to bang is in the room and Nic Cage is on fire. What the fuck.
I'm bleeding from my lower lip, and I have bruises around my neck. It was just easier to say I got mugged.
She was kind of put off because I kept calling her baby my spirit animal and staring hungrily at her breasts.
As I am reading this. I'm standing in my underwear eating taquitos. I'm saying this in the most loving way possible: FUCK OFF.
Have the decency to NOT HANG YOU'RE USED CONDOM ON THE FOOSEBALL HANDLES! Dickhead.
Just made a drunk dude do 20 push-ups. In the parking lot of the bar tonight for a keystone light I found in the back of my truck.
Oh yum
I moved out... There's nothing left but his childhood trophies...
You should make him a new one, you know like "you suck at relationships but thanks for trying participation award"
Yup. Dog walker, house sitter and mistress to the rich, bored and bi-curious. I've got a nice little operation running.
He said I took his samurai sword off his wall and proceeded to jump off his porch at people coming home from the bar.
I mean, it's just pathetic when the standard is tinder and he can't live up to it.
They sent him a photo of me smoking a bong whilst wearing the dinosaur head. I think that's the last we hear of his nonsmoking fitness freak ass 🤷🏼♀️
I went to steal condoms from your room and all I could find was chik fil a sauce
can we do this tomorrow? ...i accidently got high.
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