Another weekend, another 3 guys I have to awkwardly avoid while crossing campus...
We should never set our expectations higher than pizza bagels cause then our night is bound to get better
You didn't want to have sex last night because you said your grandpa just died and you didn't want him watching..
you know by doing this we are using dad as a drug mule right?
After throwing up, the toothpaste tasted so good. Thank you for not letting me eat it.
I just watched the lion king for the first time in years. It's like the equivalent of a really good blow job.
I standby a snuggie being perfectly acceptable attire for drunkenly walking your dog at 5am. Our new neighbors did not seem to agree.
We went to the casino to try to earn enough money to go to new Orleans comfortably. I'm already drunk. This is a horribly immoral start to summer.
Good news: I actually puked in my bathroom, the vomit from the living room was actually from someone else.
That's horrible but hilarious
I'm going to miss college.
That time we were having sex when you were super drunk, I kept yelling out, "Oh God," and you said, "You're going to need him after this." Idk why I suddenly thought of that.
The only math I use in every day life is figuring out how much I can spend on alcohol and still have money to pay my bills. High school lied to us.
I cried at the bar for 30 minutes because I got my arm stuck in my sweater. I got free drinks for the rest of the night after the bartender helped me.
I DONT WANT YOUR DICK. I WANT BRUNCH.
Dear Ex-Sister-in-Law, I never thought I would say this, but I just found your panties in my back seat. Please remind me to give them back.
Dude I'm fucking tired of freshman, there are god damn teeth marks on my dick again
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