I'm so bummed I missed coconut bowling. It's fucking cold here and no coconuts to be found
Just saw a squirrel crossing the road in a crosswalk..my morning has improved exponentially.
the table of underagers at this wedding were seated 10ft from the open bar. currently 30 open containers on the table for 5 people. dinner hasn't even been served yet.
I just tried to eat one of my ear plugs, thinking it was a cheese curl. I need it to be break RIGHT NOW.
We need to figure out what we are doing for halloween asap. I'm not going out like a punk ass bitch burger king again this year.
If she has AMC, I may have to fuck her today. I want to catch up on the walking dead.
I found him in his pink and white boxer out side the dorm hall and the only thing he said was "it wouldn't let me in"
He tried to reenact Braveheart's freedom scream but got tackled by his drunk roommate who thought he was yelling that the handle he was holding up was free.
What kind of scumbag goes to a baby's 1st birthday party with a black eye? This kind. Me. I'm disgraceful.
Look. When I let you cum on my tits don't fuck it all up by going "SKEET SKEET SKEET" it just pisses me off.
I forgot drug dealers have families, too. Cheers to a sober, uncomfortable, slightly enraging Thanksgiving.
Do you remember telling the Uber driver that "his cologne makes you want to bone"?
There's a fine line between kinky and serial killer
how do you politely tell someone their toddler looks alarmingly similar to the berries and cream guy
So was this before or after he cried about trump?
After
Randomize
