I walked out of the bathroom and both of you girls were giving the gay guy head. I was like, "laaaterrr."
I think I'm on the verge of a really slutty period in my life
Also, I had a dream I had a ray gun and woke up holding my dick.
Coming home soaking wet at three am and trying to convince the front desk man that we came from the library might have worked if I wasn't also roaring at everything.
Found out that no one else got Christmas bonuses...and you said nothing good could come from sleeping with my boss.
i think that dennys waitress has my boxers
I find it very uncomfortable that I need to ask you to stop sending me pictures of your stomach
Were you rubbing your penis on me while I slept? I smell like penis.
I thought I was heading girls talk. It was the toilet. Like put my ear to it
He brought over a bottle of tequila and a box of donuts with the Plan B, so I guess you could say things are getting pretty serious.
Google Maps needs to have a hungover setting. That bitch talks too loud and all I want is breakfast tacos & a bloody fucking mary.
A guy from tinder a while ago who sent me dick pics straight out the gate is a tech on my dad's hospital floor. I was wondering why he looked familiar and why he never took my dads vitals when I was in the room
that awkward moment when you use blowjob jokes as a segue into coming out as bi
dude you know how i got totally hammered and lost my phone at some frat when i came to visit you two months ago? yeah well someone mailed it back to me in minnesota.. with a picture of a cock as the screen savor
Why do we always have to be the people who get blamed for animal intoxication incidents?
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