sitting in my room eating a boneless rib tv dinner, and listening to taylor swift's love story, and i sharted. had to finish the ribs and hear the end of the song before i went to the bathroom to wipe.
So I had to explain to her that pussy doesn't mean a cat
I just got licked by a stripper, not so great anymore.
I've crashed the car, it's a write off. The police are here and I'm dressesd as a crayon.
She didn't even ask about the dinosaur pinata in my trunk. Like at this point I think these are the things she expects from me
I should show up to the gym drunk more often. I felt like i really motivated all the fat people.
We jumped on a random trolley because total strangers offered us free vodka. We're not even on the route map as far as I can tell. I see now how those people died in "Hostel"... we deserve whatever happens to us tonight.
Whiskey and an unstable home life is apparently the fountain that 20-something boys like to drink from.
I've been buying my puppy dildos for chew toys. I can't wait till a girl comes over and my dog is gnawing on a giant black cock
It was going alright when lo and behold Tom the cock blocking tornado hits. He is the only man I know who doesn't want anyone to fuck girls.
My 7 yo sister is trying to talk my mom into buying her a strawberry margarita. Happy Cinco de Mayo.
she keeps a switchblade in her panty drawer... i am both terrified and slightly turned on
They sent him a photo of me smoking a bong whilst wearing the dinosaur head. I think that's the last we hear of his nonsmoking fitness freak ass 🤷🏼♀️
All I remember is being in the middle of the road puking and my bestfriend cheering me on from the passenger seat...
Congratulations on giving me my first and second hickeys last night. I made it almost 30 years without one, but who needs class these days?
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