I swear to god Kristen, if this "cute" guy you are trying to hook up with's friend asks me if we can role play, and I play his mother one more time, Im leaving. You have 3 minutes to save me or I am out.
I wish i could clap on, clap off my penis
I didn't realize how hung over I was until I rolled over and the world rolled over with me.
so i had a dream that andrew cuomo ate me out. guess who i'm voting for?
Did they have a limo or was i just stoned?
The cops said we could pay $250 or spend the night in jail and get 2 free meals. I might pee in mail-boxes more often
Periouds do not concern me. Biploogival needs are buological needs.
Thanks for walking over, a conversation about David Bowie's dick as a muppet is exactly what my day was missing.
The condom broke. Its OK tho, turns out I was just humping her thigh for 20 minutes. Jager dude, Jager.
the night probably should have been over when the guy let her fill out my mechanical bull waver for me because i couldn't read
I'll be there with bells on. And by "bells" I mean "jäger bombs". And by "on" I mean "being poured down my gullet".
I literally can not watch Thor without thinking of your dick
I wish there was an emoji for sad lady boners
Why are you drunk at the library?
Why not?
the cop found his r2d2 bong and asked me if i ever smoked out of him. i'm like, no sir. he's like ahh. if i were to smoke, it'd definitely be out of some star wars character.
easily made my night.
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