paul mccartney is starting to look like angela lansbury
don't blame me for your drunken lack of judgement
big words... still drunk. dont care. your fault.
Some dude gave me a questioning look as I came out of the women's toilet. I just responded 'blowjob' and he understood, then shook my hand.
I love that my brother has just convinced my dad that smoking a blunt it an "unspoken family tradition"
Maybe I should forgo underwear.
This is a family BBQ no?
Im drinking ciroc out of an ice cream cone... my night is going fantastic
Can't we have real sex instead of you just thrusting the air near me?
He's carved the words "SLAM STATION" into his headboard...
When you get home...find me in the shower. Only safe place at the moment.
In the 2nd smartest move of my day your ringtone for when you call is now the Space Jam theme.
Not as much as my roommate, who is in the middle of one of the pictures throwing a lawn chair at a cop car lol.
You should be able to leave recommendations on Tinder.
Are you alive? Cause this is my official "im actually alive" text.
Apparently I told the mayor I want to be a trophy wife
I’m never getting home or fucked or eating hot Taco Bell fml
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