i'm almost one hundred percent positive that i have a warrant out for my arrest in this city. i also don't give a fuck because im drinking TEQUILAAAA
complete strangers are now referring to me as 'the bourbon guy.' i can live with this.
Today's dinner table topic: the probablity of my dad turning gay if he ever left my mom.
I like the odds of his and my children being professional athletes too. To support me in my old age, see I do think about the future.
He started screaming "fuck me I'm Ryan Gosling" and proceeded to pick up the smallest guy at the party and carry him to bed.
The only thing keeping me calm right now is pretending to chop off everyone's heads when using the paper cutter
You're married and I'm going to make out with a stranger tonight. Isn't that weird? It's like a gap in the time space continium.
She's been with the dude for a week saying she's in love. Yeah so am I. I just opened this beer 5 minutes ago and I LOVE IT ALREADY.
There is a severe lack of banging on that itinerary... I'd like a revision on my desk within the hour
the police report says i screamed sanctuary from a jungle gym at the playground when they caught up with us, obviously they disregarded international law.
I'm questioning my decision to swallow this morning while my stomach was in hangover mode
He was super adorable, like I wanna pinch his cheeks while I fuck him...
It was the scariest thing ever having a flame that close to my balls...
I guess we coulda said a little less mature audience and a little more e for everyone.
Consume your own penis you ugly freak.
Randomize
