You realize if you die tommorow, the last memory i'll ever have of you is your ballsack on skype
im shaking like a drug addict and i almost just shat my pants when i sneezed...no more patron for me
I'm gonna have bed sores at the end of this hangover.
Theres just something about looking at pictures of your dick in church that doesn't feel right
i woke up to him dangling his cock in front of my face
her night didn't end so well, both of her boyfriends got arrested... together.
And at least you didn't have a dinner of Ranch Pringles and Double Stuff Oreos. I forgot that part of being single.
Do you think that my Facebook profile picture kinda look like im being raped by a 10 foot polar bear ?
I haven't gone out since the baby was born. If I don't get arrested, in a fight, or both I'm going to be super pissed.
just filed my taxes drunk as balls. i may be going to jail.
My boss just told me not to come back to work if I decide to drink. Challenge accepted.
that's how you measure success
By how bad my vagina hurts on a Tuesday morning while I'm trying to figure out how I got white girl wasted on a Monday?
I SHIT YOU NOT a mailman helped me leave without waking him up.
I'm attracted to him because he looks like the kind of guy who would lick my asshole without me having to ask.
Girls - I think I have a problem with stealing random shit when I'm drunk.
Randomize
