I knew my chances of getting laid had increased after she walked into my room and yelled "DICK TIME"
we were hanging out in his room and he decided to play WoW.. so i took off all my clothes while he wasn't paying attention and laid on his bed and started playing with myself.
did he notice?
of course he didn't notice.. he was playing a fiesty level 1 fucker that wouldn't give up..
She woke up with blood running down her face and asked the EMS guy where the keg was
My stomach literally has no contents left. Tequila cleanse=success.
We'll find out our level of friendship after tonight. You'll be helping me move a body. My body.
Tequila pump. I'm ecstatic your engineering degree has real world application.
Whats your number? 5 or more?
Cinco. It sounds smaller in Spanish.
His hair looked like he was in a bukaki and then got a perm right after
His cat must have been laying on his dick, because now my face is covered in hives
A 'Bear Fight' is a car bomb followed by a Jaeger bomb. Fuckface and I do those on slow days. Tonight, we did a 'Polar Bear on Fire'. Fireball, a bear fight in the middle, and end with rumple minze.
I made friends at the beach bars tonight. Several were worried for my well being.
She broke up with me. I guess I was in the most chaste lesbian relationship in the history of the world and had no idea.
I can hear the pillow talk now, "how many condoms did you bring? Good, put them all on,"
A million fucking miles away, and the sun still manages to fuck my hungover mornings up.
You lost to your mom AND grandma in beer pong last night. pretty sure that constitutes a retirement from the sport
oh man there are to hot chicks wrestling in a pool of maple syrup. ill send you a picture
this is why i will never break up with you
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