what if the hokey pokey really is what its all about?
So I tried to call my phone from his phone and was like, "hey, my name is not in here..I thought you had my number" turns out he has my number saved as "gives good head"
I woke up in a house cuddled up with a beagle on a futon. have no idea who anyone is but they all call me stretch. yeaaahhh boiiiiii
just wokeup with my ethics textbook on my chest, animal crakers in my mouth and my dick in my hand. even aristotle doesn't have a theory for this one
He really likes Obama...and Bill Clinton too. He said "I mean, how many presidents can say that they got head in the oval office?"
Soulmates.
Wake and baked to watch the boston marathon. God I love massachusetts
They called security on the security guard who tried to break up the party in their suite. You tell me how drunk they were.
Well, at first I was really confused. But then I realized that he was talking from his penis's perspective... in third person.
for future reference: playing drunken strip-twister is a euphemism for a threesome. just thought you should know.
I'm getting shit face wasted, and I have to be up so early tomorrow. I am bad at smart.
Stripper just cleaned my glasses with her nipple...
Soooo we should kick it sometime when it's like light outside. Drink outta cups.. Be bitches. 7, 6, 3, 5.. 4, 2, 1... Sschhkiddaellladiieessscchk
This guy on tinder just told me that he wanted to tie me up and asked me what I thought. I told him I wanted tacos
I just fanned myself with my wet toothbrush to dry my mascara. Wtf
Dude, I need a fuckin wingman and this could finally make us eskimo brothers, how can you pass that up?
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