Stephanie. Problem. I think if I had met Murphy before Ben I would have fucked him instead.
Don't worry about your Murphy feelings. I may have fucked him no matter what.
So apparently I ran down the hall to another party and started handing out uncooked spaghetti to strangers. You'd be surprised how many drunk people will eat raw noodles.
I'll call it a relationship when I stop masturbating after he goes to sleep
In your drunken brilliance did you make bagel with what appears to be mac and cheese smeared on top and pink icing dip? Because if so it is sitting on the counter
I think I'm just going to up-end a bottle of wine and look through pictures of what my life used to be.
Fucking her was like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
He paid the bartender with money from the tip jar then proceeded to hit on me in front of my date. I love frat dances
Please don't mistake my med student status for responsibility. I'm drinking tequila while studying vascular surgery techniques.
I seriously just drove by a man walking down the street wearing hospital scrubs, an 80s track jacket, gold necklace and carrying a flute.
I asked her why she was drunkenly masturbating to Iron Man and all she replied was "Robert Downey Jr". As far as excuses go, that seemed pretty legit.
She kept asking for cigarettes, than just put them in her purse as "savings"
I found a blow up pig at an adult store. He will have to fuck that on video if he wants anal. Also, I bought a pair of clear high heels. Tell your brother I love him.
You can either drink his whiskey or be a bitch. Doing both is just mean.
My life has come down to me literally sitting on an uncrustables trying to defrost it because I’m drunk alone and hungry.
Chaz got drunk and passed out so we superglued a kazoo to his mouth. Listening to him Panic when he woke up was fucking hilarious.
Randomize